I might not be hurt, but I’m tired. I’m so tired. Now I know what give up means, and I’m giving up everything that doesn’t matter.
My stress threshold has been reached once again. Midterms just finally ended yesterday. And I am in a constant struggle. I’ve been away from the blog for a little bit because I had to take care of my school and everywhere in between. As much as I wanted to blog everyday, I force myself not to. And the main reason is that I want distribute my time well. And once I started blogging I know I will not accomplish anything. With good time management skills probably there shouldn’t be much more problem. So that’s it. There are many strategies for keeping sane though. However, I tend to cram sometimes. Maybe I’m overwhelmed at the mountain of crap I have to memorize in a short period of time and that I don’t think it’s going to save me.
Anyway, since I’ve missed blogging too much. I’ll try to summarize the highlights of my week.
- I’m struggling. School has gotten tighter and the midterm has gotten harder. Everytime I’m having my 2 hours of sleep, I can already assume that I’m gonna fail my exam. I don’t know, it’s just that I cannot sleep when I know there’s still so much crap that I have to study. So as much as I can, I will stay up all night and finish everything that has to be reviewed. Plus, I have to thank my really awesome friends for giving it all just to make sure that all of us are going to pass.
- I lost my I.D. :-( Nobody returned it to me since Monday. It was really devastating since then. My lovely picture there taken 1 year ago is the most precious thing I wanted to keep. Huhu. Good thing I still have the picture of it on my phone.
- I had my hair cut. I feel so much refreshed. :-D
- We’ve watched ‘The Possession’ yesterday. The movie has something quite unique. Having a Judaic demon at the heart of this exorcist horror story immediately sets it apart. To sum it up, we’d enjoyed the movie pretty well.
So there it is. Wish me all the luck. ;;)
Regret. The saddest word in the English language.
There are consequences to every action; it is just not always obvious at the time. You never really know how things are going to feel until afterward. Thus, regret. You may not be able to change anything, but at least you can feel bad about it. Never mind that it might haunt you for the rest of you life or, in my case, beyond.
Snapshots of how I’ve spent my week (In no particular order)
- We went into a fortune teller last Thursday. I swear it is kind of distracting really. I won’t tell her predictions anymore. The fortune teller’s words kept ringing in my ears, however. I don’t want believe in any of that stuff though. But there are legit fortune tellers and psychics who can foretell your future based on the vibrations that they are able to detect, and I can’t discredit them. Some people find comfort in hearing of their good fortune, and that in itself will set their vibration to a higher level. However, as I said, I personally believe we have the ultimate control over our own lives.
- For the past few days I’ve been getting text messages, private messages, calls and tweets about how people in my life’s been missing me so much. And it was just indeed, overwhelming. There were unexpected friends whom I can not even imagine of bothering themselves texting/calling me asking how am I doing and that they know I can surely do it in school just like anybody else. My heart’s jumping, for God’s sake. There are a lot of people who loves me more than I can think of.
- Aaron’s grandma died last Monday. I want to be beside him during this times of grief. Sure, I tried to. I told him I can skip school this weekends and go there instead. But he doesn’t want to ‘coz he can’t let me travel on my own. I know this will never be easy for him. And I believe this is not the time for him to handle all this on his own, I can go there anytime whenever he asks me to.
- Prelim’s finally over. It has been a crazy journey so far. Pressure was on to say the least. I have always had to work so hard, and even then it does not always pay off. I feel tired and cranky, sleep. Or lack thereof. A full sleep cycle is about 3 hours long and I am waking up every 2 hours. ‘Coz If I don’t I’ll start to cram up the moment I woke up and Bang! Surely, I will fail the test. But everything’s under control. Manage your study time, as they say.
Most things will be okay eventually, but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose. Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let go.
I was brought at the hospital yesterday.
Though I’m feeling a bit okay for now. For God’s sake, I need to be okay.
Going to log out and stay logged out for a long time.
I’m going to move into my dorm tomorrow after lunch. Cause I already have a class on Wednesday at 7 AM. I need to pack up my stuff so It won’t be a lot more stressful tomorrow.
Now, I want to focus with my studies more since my subjects this semester are a lot more difficult and toxic than those of my previous semesters, So I will give better notice about my everyday life as soon as I can.
Raging fucking pissed
I bust out into tears last night.
What the fuck do you think - I have no brain in my skull? Of course I fucking goes in a fucking meaningful direction you fuckface. I don’t know how to figure out what your expectations should be when I am dealing with all this pain at the same time. So right now, I’m all super sensitive to everything people say and hyper-analyzing their interactions with me. I want to be the shit of out people. I can feel my arm muscles tightening up and fists forming. I feel solid, like steel. My jaw set, my voice low, my eyes piercing. Biting comments are jumping off the edge of my tongue, and I’m ready.
Other times I want to run far away stop time so that I don’t have to deal with solids and crawling and signing.
But I never run away. And I never fight. I smile. I fake it till I make it.